Like where you literally have to fear for your life and people are looking for you? And you have no idea how far theyll take it if they actually catch you? You guys know about that teenage crew who I stabbed one of them in the shoulder and who threw rocks through my car and jumped me and chased me alla round town where I had to hide behind some random's house backyard right? And about in Eastern EUrope when visiting my grandma I was at the mercy of a guy my age now in prison for killing his step dad who had a butcher knife at me and who i begged for my life and who before that he and this other ex con wer elooking for me right? Those are just some exmaples of shiz I had to deal with. But what sucks is it just made me more aware and paranoid rather than tough> I always wanted to be a real man chicks want, a man who cans tand up for himself and his family and isnt afraid to back down but no matter how hard I try I can never become that and never be tough. Only glimpses of my potential shine in once in a while like when i beat up that gay drug dealer and stuff but most of the time I jsut back down in bars and crap and can never become the man I want to become the man chicks want. Now for example as a result of punching people in the face and them following me while calling the cops and putting me in a situation where I didnt know what to do while knowing the only thing to do was smash them or stab them to get them to run and not call the cops and follow me, but my instinct and inner strength wasnt strong enough to do that, so now I just think of that backing down of me being put on the spot again rather than being ready to smash for example. I know its hard to explain but anyway this is my rant for tonight.

WHat pisses me off and is the biggest weakness in me is no matter who he is, or what theyve done to me, or how much bigger I am, I cant move on somebody or put my hands on them or even verbally say much if they ar enice to me or extend their hand to shake mine or simply have been nice to me in the past. I always back down in those situations. Like this kid who tried getting me jumped by bums and Ive seen steal crap and is the kid of this whore homeless bytch, I tried confronting him about him stelaing some old man's bicycle who i witnessed but I backed out when he said "hey whats up and tried extending his hand to shake mine, and I know he has a brother that looks similar so I simply told him that I thought I saw his brother steal something instead of intimidating him and saying it to him. This kid is like only half my size but he had other kids around him and it was a public area so it was kind of embarassing but anyway its retarded I backed out simply cause he extended his hand to me, this happened before with this guy who tried stealing his bike. What does it take to become stronger mentally?

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