I need to fight my own demons to save my reality like and nO matter how much I used to train it only made me more insecure and more self aware because I would always back out and later feel crappy about myself. The only time I had any balls was when I didnt know how easily it is to be beaten up or jumped by multiple people and had more confidence due to not knowing my weaknesses and having the experience of being jumped. I just want to be tough and respected, I dont want to ever back out but I always have inhibitions and do it automatically in general and no physical tranining can help this I need mental training. I need to not have fear and when I see a tatted up Mexican or huge guy I need to not have fear but I always do. Like I mentioned I think some black chick I paid for her cover to this club and she seemed all into me and all and the bytch threw me away for some other guy knew and saw in the club and he had his hand all over her and I went up to her tried to talk to see what was going on and he started telling me to get lost and totally disrespecting me. instead of attacking me I was too self aware of the bouncers around and possibly people sitting nearby or his friends fighting for him and all this crap and didnt even do anything. I even had a pepper spray in my pocket. All I did was stood there trying to motivate my psyche to attack and hope he will say something worse and motivate me more and just kept asking her "do you want me to leave" without even looking at him every time he kept saying to get lost and she sat there not even answering until like 4 times and said "Well he is my bf" and I knew it was bs and she just used me and threw me away like nothing like all females do all the time. What sucks is I saw him walk alone to the restroom and even outside and I had too many inhibitions to go in and just pepper spray him in the face and punch him, I was just so depressed and down I didnt even have the will to move literally I felt so played. my mind literally shut down I am so weak mentally. Part of it is he was bigger and in a lot better shape and the fact there were people around and the fact I was already so down I had no will. I even saw him like 2 weeks later and I approached him after he amde eye contact asking if he was the guy who told me to get lost at that other place with the black chick and he tried playing it off like he didnt know who Im talking about and I tried getting him toa dmit it was him by saying "hey i didnt know she had a bf she never told me" and he still didnt admit it was him. It pissed me off later because I realzied I am so guillible that I actually believed it at the time and for a while I actually believed it wasnt actually him or hoped it wasnt so I didnt have to save my reality at the time or something. I dont even know what my head thinks sometimes I got this voice who brings me down all the time and makes me back out.

The other problem and demon I have to overcome to save my reality is emphany. I am too nice of a guy and as you guys know nice guys finish last. When someone shows me any sign of kindness no matter what they've done before and what my plan is by approaching them I back out due to the kindness negating all the previous stuff theyve done, and Ill even shake hands to someone who did something to me or my enemy if they extend their hand, I never not shook someone';s hand when they extended it it is like the hardest thing for me not to do all my impulses make me shake it.

http://i349.photobucket.com/albums/q398/silkswords/Richard-Simmons.jpg

WHat's crazy is that there are even young girls with more courage than I have. I was sitting in the park when they had a farmers market here last week and saw a young girl start walking away form this group and another girl started following her and talking shet to her and these lame ass people started cheering it on most of them were either teenage delinquents or hobos but anyway and she started running at the other girl and the girl turned and punched her right in the face. Than the other girl must have been a bit shocked and backed off and went back to her group. It just maases me that girls like that actually exist, that have more balls and courage than 90% of grown men do. I should have went up to her and tried getting to know her but I had other things on my mind. I tried grabbing and manhandling a bit and intimidating this kid who lives on the streets and is the bastard child of a hobo mom who gives her daughter and his sister alocohol and who is like the queen of the hobos. He constantly with his little brother harasses people and steals things. And he tried getting a bunch of hobos to jump me once because I didnt pay him the 10 bucks I promised for telling me info who stole my psp (he didnt directly tell me the answer so I didnt feel the need to) and they all almost gained up on me and he or hsi bro even tried to get a punch in. ANyway I backed out right away (as always you guys know backing out should be my middle name) cause when I said "hey" and he turned around he tried to be real cool to me and give me a hand and all and I just felt so bad and started making up a story about his brother being the one I saw steal something and totally backpeddled.

http://i349.photobucket.com/albums/q398/silkswords/Richard-Simmons.jpg