I'm shy/social phobic, & i don't think i am one bit selfish because of that.
People have treated me unpleasantly throughout my entire outdoor life, in addition to the fact that being socially phobic is an innate part of me. I don't think that my personality will ever change. More likely than not , the only time i will go out is after dark, as not to attract notice to myself. My physical appearance does not win me any respect, in fact the opposite, so i've always been very self conscious about it. I stay indoors most of the time. When i do go out, i'll walk in secluded areas, not on busy streets or around shopping malls. I can't make eye-contact with people when i walk the streets or ride public transportation, the reason being that i am paralyzed by social fear & don't want "start something" with some trigger-happy kat. I've been threatened at knife-point before, been jumped, headlocked, beaten the fuk down by thugs & street bullies etc. for no reason, so some of my timidity might be explainable. I've been pickpocketed/ extorted on the reg, as well as robbed on my way out stores.

Once, when the cops came around, a bunch of thugs dumped a whole load of shell casings on me, along with some loaded clips, resulting in my arrest & prosecution. Another time, some spanish kids beat the fuk out of me on a subway car & urinated on me, all for no reason other than that "i looked @#%$". Uncountable other incidents have happened to me, but you get the idea. I'm not a big guy, 5'11 at 145 pounds, but i look fat if i gain weight. I do have muscle, though. I've been told that i am quite strong, but i've seen no evidence of that when trying to wrestle with bullies & thugs.

I can, however, look at women more easily than i can men, the reason having to do with intimidation---i'm a puzzy. However, some chicks have snapped at me before, in public places, for glancing at them, calling me ugly & shyttface, & whatnot. Man, was that embarrassing! I wouldn't want to be caught glancin' at some kid that's got L.K. or CPS connections. The experiences that i have had with women have done nothing to allieviate my fear/shyness &, in fact, probably worsenned everthing.

In addition to this, i am an introvert & do not like being around people i have to keep talking to or trying to entertain.

The extent of my social phobia is such that i might not be able to travel to a doctor in order to save my life, at least not in the daylight.

Are you asking for advice on how to overcome your phobia? I suffer from social anxiety disorder myself, so I know the feeling of being introverted via severe social anxiety.

I started a thread on bullshido just today asking about anxiety and martial arts. Got some good links/advice too. Take a look..

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7372

Even though I improve physically and can handle myself on the street (because of martial arts) I still am mentally weak and people still run over me with their words or intimidate me, plus I am really nice and try not hurting people's feelings when I should. I had a Muy Thai instructor who started calling me boy (I think deragotary) and I didn't even do anything about it. People keep cutting me in line and I don;t confront them.

Kushan,

Can you afford a therapist or look around for a support group?

Shane

I would suggest a support group as well. I've been in professional therapy for social anxiety for NINE years and been on numerous meds. It has helped only marginally.

I've been looking for a support group in my area, but had no luck as yet.

Kushan,

Your story is a little sad, but I believe that most all people, to include the one's frequenting this site, have come across situations where they felt fear, intimidation, humiliation, etc. You sound like a peaceful person. I would consider that a good thing. We need more people like you. Be proud of who and what you are. Who cares if you're ugly or whatever. I would gather that you are like the way you are for a reason. All of us are different with our distinct personalities and looks. If there is something in you that's trying to make you afraid to go out in public, don't let that hold you back, confront your inner problems aggressively and say--I'm not afraid to go out and enjoy life. Because life here on earth is what you make it. I would strongly urge you not to submit to antidepressant drugs and everything else they have on the pharmaceutical market now days. Stay away from that stuff. This is really something you have to confront on your own along with the higher power you believe in. Blessed are the peacemakers. Keep the faith and drive on with the mission, brother!

What do i want from life? Well, i'd love to have as much as the next man. That is, the next man here, not in somolia.

I only attract unprovoked attacks from young thugs, & verbally abusive rejections from the women. The next guy, i assume, does not go through that, well, not if we're talkin' here about the majority.


Just let me live...

who asked what you want from life?

The Tubes did, but they asked WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!

To get cable TV and watch it every night.
There you sit, a lump in your chair, when you're sleeping what do you wear when you're sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping.

Whaddya want from life?

An Indian guru to show you the inner light?


But I digress.

Kushan, how many times have you been in jail?

Freezing in a fight:
http://ezine.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=25938

I was expecting a thread on some secret Inuit or lumberjack fighting style, that might applicable to wintry conditions??

There are two San Soo books called "Predator Training" and "Sudden Violence," both by Greg Jones. Read them and then go to a Safeway. When confronted by the picketers, simply follow Mr. Jones' advice and attack, attack, attack!